As long as you are legally and/or morally responsible to care for your children, it is acceptable to invade their privacy. A child is learning to become a responsible adult, and you presumably are a responsible adult giving that guidance. Sure, as the child gets older it will despise that invasion and feel it doesn't need your guidance. On a practical level you have to adjust your methods to compensate for your child's brain, and find an appropriate level of functional trust.

Related link: Police raid nets $12K from boy's room. "This is certainly a rarity and, obviously, I would be concerned about a 15-year-old dealing drugs at this level without his parents being aware of it," Dwyer said. 'It seems somewhat suspicious. If you have a 15-year-old kid and thousands of dollars in cash out where we could see it, 'Hello, where are you?'

'Snooping' is an appropriate word. Teenagers are extremely adept at deception. I know I was.

Posted by: Jack on September 9, 2002 09:17 AM

 

Gosh, that is a difficult one. As parents you want to foster trust with your kids so that they will come to you when something upsets them. However, what do you do for the stuff that doesn't necessarily upset them, like homophobic propaganda? The beauty of kids is that they are open-minded, but I wouldn't want my child reading stuff like that without having a balancing viewpoint.

I doubt that I would go so far as to filter content. Those types of programs just aren't going to be comprehensive enough to really make a difference. But would a heart-to-heart talk do the trick? Most kids don't want to hear that you worry about this and that. They think they're invincible - hell, I know I was at that age!!

I guess all I can say is, you have to do what makes you feel right as a parent, and if filtering software gives him some peace of mind, go for it. At least he is being open about it with his kids.

Posted by: Lydia on September 9, 2002 12:31 PM

 

As Lydia said, this is a very difficult subject, but it is interesting to know where people (I guess I really mean parents) draw the line. In the UK there has been a recent case of Kiddie-Chipping which is an extreme example of the lengths some parents will go to in order to 'protect' their children.

Is it OK to monitor their chat-room conversations?
Would you read their personal diary?

As a child I did many things that were either illegal or dangerous (or both), and I know that my parents didn't know about all of them. Looking back I find it difficult to decide which experiences I should have been protected from, and which ones helped me develop into the person I am today.

Posted by: Mac on September 9, 2002 01:44 PM

 

Did anyone else click on his other articles in the right margin? I read "the need for speed," and in it he argues for broadband connections more for the "always on" aspect than for the speed of data delivery. Do I not understand the energy issues of a computer in standby mode, or isn't it always using some energy? (As I am under the impression is is always using some energy, and have long thought Europeans more environmentally conscious than most Americans, I was surprised...)

Posted by: Frank on September 9, 2002 01:57 PM

 

Frabk: Standby Loss is indeed a big electricity consumer (10%+ ?). The main culprits are TV's and VCRS's but I'm sure computers are racing up the charts.

Us Europeans are definitely more enviromentally conscious than Mr Bush, but I don't know about the rest of you colonials.

I for example have energy efficient halogen light-bulbs that automatically turn themselves off when you blink, as well as a TV that turns itself off during ad breaks. And I hope to get hold of one of the new clockwork wrist-watches that don't even need a battery !

Although I still haven't managed to track down a fridge that turn's the light off when you close the door.

Posted by: Mac on September 9, 2002 02:50 PM

 

I have a 13- and a 10-year-old. I and my husband are very opinionated & are quite free in expressing those opinions. Our children, in turn, have developed their own opinions and are equally secure in expressing them (sometimes to my dismay). They are learning to think critically, learning that their opinions are valued and valuable, and building an enormous amount of self esteem and assertiveness.

My children have learned that actions have consequences, some of which are painful. And they know that I can't protect them from everything, much as I'd like to try. We have discussed personal safety and online safety, & the teachers discuss it at school.

No filtering system can replace common sense and a powerful sense of self-esteem. Children have to develop those over time.

My advice to parents: Start early talking about subjects that make you uncomfortable. Your children don't know that the subjects you're discussing are supposed to be uncomfortable topics. Once they learn that, they'll remember that you brought those subjects up, & they'll be more likely to come to you about other things should the need arise.

Information is the only thing we can give our children to protect them.
---------
I always turn off my PC, my lights, my radio, my TV. I don't think conservationism is a national trait--it's individual.

Posted by: jan on September 9, 2002 03:37 PM

 

Mac, your link reminds me why I unplugged every clock, microwave, TV, VCR etc before we took our fortnight trip to the UK this summer (oops, usability issue -- not all readers know 'fortnight,' maybe I should put a link to a 300K page that restates what a fortnight is...) I remember a '97 HBR that showed the "environmental footprint" of an American vs. someone from the Netherlands, and ours was 8 times larger. So, is having your computer on 24x7 SO incredibly convenient that this guy would not only recommend the additional energy costs but also the additional costs of broadband? (I don't think so myslef, I have DSL and turn the machine off at night & when I leave.)

Posted by: Frank on September 9, 2002 04:08 PM

 

I couldn't see myself reading my kids diary. My parents never did it, and they always made sure I had a private life. What they worked hard at is building trust and not welching on the deal when I called them to say my friend was stoned and I had had a couple of drinks and didn't feel safe about driving. They picked me up, thanked me for not driving myself or letting my friend drive me, and tried to figure out how drunk I was surreptitiously. It was actually kind of cute. They always answered my questions about the birds and the bees without flinching. Things that would make my friends pale and say "You asked your mom? What if she thinks you're doing that?" ha ha

I like Jan's idea of starting early with kids. These days, especially, it seems you have to!

----

I read the side article, but didn't see anything about not shutting down your computer. From what I saw, he was just talking about how nifty it is not to have to worry about dialing in or losing a connection - it's just there whenever you are.

Posted by: Lydia on September 9, 2002 07:52 PM

 

Lydia, perhaps it's different in the UK than it is for me in the US, using DSL. He writes, "the real difference broadband makes is that it is always on. Whenever your computer is running, then your internet connection is active." Every time I shut down my machine, my connection goes away, and I need to re-connect once back up. (Also, many US ISP's bill at a flat rate as it is - - so theoretically you could have dial-up and be on all the time.)

So I see how I may have misread him, but by paying attention to the "always up" emphasis, it looks like I may have misled myself.

Posted by: Frank on September 9, 2002 09:19 PM

 

Oh, OK - I get you now, Frank - sorry I didn't see that at first.

I'm on a network, so I can shut down my machine but when I start up I am instantly connected again. At home, my computer can be set to automatically connect me whenever the computer is turned on. Therefore, I didn't immediately draw the conclusion of having to have the computer in stand-by to get immediate access. Perhaps he is operating under the same assumption?

Posted by: Lydia on September 10, 2002 02:03 PM